Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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