True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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