Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
