bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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