Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
