I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
