News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
