she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You need Xanax blowdarts
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
