According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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