I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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