Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Damn victory sex feels great
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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