I skipped work to stalk him.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
