And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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