I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
