alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
