oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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