Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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