I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
