All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
