My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
