the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
