Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
