my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
