The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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