My boss' voice literally gives me gas
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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