There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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