I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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