I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
