I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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