I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
