I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Two words: blizzard sex
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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