The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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