does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
