at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
