Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
