I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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