Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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