apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
