haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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