it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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