I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
