I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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