i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my being single is dangerous.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
