There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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