i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
