Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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