More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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