the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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