Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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