there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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