i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
