Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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